in which … what am I even doing???

Okay, so just as a disclaimer, at least one of the issues I’m about to talk about has resolved itself – thank god – and I’m in a much better place mentally than I was even a day ago. But so much of what transpired has me going deep into my brain and, like I said on Sunday, reevaluating a lot of my perspectives on things and goals I have.

Come with me, won’t you?

First, I nearly had to retake my toughest class yet – med-surg 2 – for a stupid mistake I made – I mixed up the day I was supposed to do a simulation clinical day – and it sent me into this giant spiral of sadness. I don’t think I’ve cried that much in a long time, and the utter despair I felt for four days was numbing, almost to the point I was at in the middle of my marriage. Luckily, it’s been worked out, and I’ll be completing my nursing education on time, only with a few more stress-related gray hairs.

Second, the whole Supreme Court decision regarding Roe vs. Wade only added onto my preexisting anxiety from school. I’m rage-y about it, to the point where I can barely function when someone brings it up. I went on a ten-minute tirade with a friend a few days ago and had to stop when I realized I’d basically not breathed for that entire time frame.

Third, I’m not writing or creating as much as I want to, and, tangentially related, fourth, I’d love to actually make some money from my art and writing but don’t know how and am not wealthy enough to, like, start an Etsy shop or whatever. How do people do this?? I am honestly asking.

Fifth – and also tangentially related to my third issue – I’m still worried that I’m abandoning a part of me and that I’ll never be able to return to her by waiting for my dreams. It’s something I’ve struggled with since I decided to go back to nursing school, and I think I’ve even mentioned before, so obviously it’s something that isn’t going to go away any time soon. Or maybe I just need to come to terms with it? I don’t know.

Sixth, I’m considering applying for a nursing residency program super far away (Colorado), and it’s terrifying to make that big of a jump. There are other options closer to home (Georgia), but depending on how things go politically, I may not have a choice. Well, I will have a choice, which is ironic considering that many uterus-havers will not have the privilege to relocate.

Seventh, I graduate in three months. That’s approximately 12 weeks. I have no idea what I’m going to be doing; nursing school basically became my personality since I started, and it’s kind of like when I turned 30 and just sort of went, “Well, now what? I have to still do things??” It’s exciting, sure, and I will gladly accept congratulations from anyone who wants to give them, but like … where do I go from here? Which goes back to my 6th point, and everything is just sort of spiraling in a way it hasn’t since I was probably in my early 20s.

I just … my brain is so full, and this is only a drop in the bucket for what it’s trying to sort through. Normally, talking about it helps, but for whatever reason, using words is actually giving me way more anxiety than I already have, which means: no sleep, no hunger, and constant restlessness. In other words:

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