Considering that Season Two is my favorite season, I feel a little bad that my least favorite episode is in it. “Black Market” is awful. Even Ron Moore admits that he dislikes this episode. Because it’s awful. It’s the most ridiculous the show ever got, and yes, I’m putting it above the final season’s shenanigans. I mean, it’s got Lee playing 1930s noir detective, including the femme fatale prostitute that he’s trying to play surrogate husband to. Honestly, i09’s article on this does a much better job summing things up than I could ever do (and it’s hilarious, to boot), so I’m gonna just post the notes I took as I was rewatching this episode. Enjoy!

Previously on Battlestar Galactica: “That’s just it, Kara. I didn’t want to make it back alive.” – Well, Lee, that makes two of us. Seriously, where did this depression suddenly come from? I mean, I get that depression can sort of spring out of nowhere (hello, me), but I could always look back and see the signs. And this is television writing. You have to give viewers a reason to be like, “Ah, yes. I understand.” Not so much with Lee Adama.

Oh, another 48 hours earlier scene. Great. Because they haven’t used the hell out of that this season. Also, ha, Lee being a badass.

Wait, who is this lady? Lee’s dating someone? Interesting.

Okay, setting up Fisk as the toolbag. Well, he’s gonna die.

Baltar and Fisk are buddies. Yep, Fisk is def gonna die.

Back up, BSG. You’ve shown us two women – that look eerily alike – and not given us any context. I’m guessing Flashback Lady isn’t alive, anymore, but you’d think that the show would have covered Lee’s long-lost love or whoever she is before now.

The fuck? That is one creepy ass doll. No wonder the little girl ran away from you, Lee.

OK, so this lady is a prostitute. Who does her business with her daughter locked in the next room. Great. I mean, sure, she’s on a ship with limited space, but you’d think that there’d be somewhere for Paya (I actually really like that name) to go.

Well, hey, Mac from Predator. I forgot you were in this episode.

Yep, called it. Fisk is toast. Also, Cain was killed just a short time ago. Don’t you think there’d be more security at this point? No wonder people don’t trust the military; they can’t even protect their own.

Oh, Cottle. I lurve you. Smokin’ in the sickbay. You know, somebody needs to do a parody of “Smokin’ in the Boys’ Room,” using scenes with Cottle smoking.

Hold on there, Adama. Why are you placing Lee on this case? “I need someone I can trust.” Which … okay, fine? He’s your son. And he’s only committed mutiny, like, twice at this point, so … whatever. But Lee isn’t an investigator. Like, at all. No training. Nothing. This seems like a bad choice.

Stealing from a crime scene? See, Adama???

This Shevon isn’t your girlfriend, Lee. She sleeps with you for money. Stop trying to force her to become your wife.

So Tigh knows about Lee’s little sexcapades. DundunDUNNNNN.

I DON’T GET LEE AND DEE. At all. There is no chemistry there.

Are you, Lee? Are you? (I have no idea what this was in reference to.)

Hey!! That was a nice table, fucker. How is Shevon going to replace that, given that supplies are so tight?

I get that you want to make an impression, Mac from Predator, but maybe, just maybe, someone who’s getting strangled is going to have a hard time hearing you as you essentially whisper orders to them.

Hang on, she’s holding her stomach. WAS DREAM LADY PREGNANT???? How in the absolute hell have the writers not mentioned this before? You’d think that this would have been a major plot point for Lee, and maybe a reason for his depression that should have started since, oh, episode one. The actual fuck.

Ha. Lying Baltar is lying. Like he’s ever respected Roslin’s presidency. Also, hahahaha, you “never wanted power.” Oh, Baltar: know thyself.

So Zarek can just walk into a crime scene. Noted. And really? You have to be careful of the company you keep? Aren’t you the leader of a former prison ship? No one would be surprised if you were a part of the black market.

Oh, stuff it, Zarek. They didn’t give Lee anything except a second dead body that will have to be investigated. Do you people not watch Law and Order?

So a whole ship can go off the grid and no one will notice that there’s a lot of traffic. Not bloody likely. Then again, Gina could get off the Pegasus and disappear into the fleet, so I guess anything’s possible.

Kids are in a cage. Awesome. I hope they’re not going where I think they’re going.

Either this is a testament to the type of power he has or just shitty writing, but I highly doubt that Phelan would just be sitting there with, like one armed guard, and let a dude that he just tried to have killed come that close to him.

“Fisk was a pig.” Agreed, sir. Agreed.

Aaaaand, they went there. Child sex slaves. I’m going to go cry now.

So … third body. Good work, Lee. Now you’re a murderer.

Herm, we’re just going to stand around here with dumb looks on our faces and let this guy who just shot our boss tell us how things are going to be from now on. Sounds good. Also, how in the hell does Lee get to walk out of there alive? THIS MAKES NO SENSE. HE JUST KILLED THEIR LEADER IN COLD BLOOD. Meh, he’ll probably be forgiven for that, too.

You know what? Had they actually developed this “Lee remembers his old possibly pregnant girlfriend and tries to drown his woes in paid sex” story and I would have bought it. But it all springs up from nowhere, and I have to listen to Shevon go all “I’m not her” and I don’t care. At all.

See, Lee: this is why Billy is better than you. He and Dee have actual chemistry. Ugh. NO. Dee, let’s have some real talk. Lee was paying for sex (with which I have no issue, really) and trying to start his own version of Pretty Woman with Shevon (plus Paya as a bonus) because he abandoned his pregnant girlfriend and then she died in the attack on the colonies. And even his own father doesn’t even seem to know that he had a pregnant girlfriend. Does this sound like a good idea to you? BILLY IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU.

“You should have told me about the woman.” Yes, Adama. Your son was going to come up to you and be like, “Hey, Dad, I’m seeing a prostitute because … well, see, the writers had to give me some angst. So they made up a story at the last minute to give me a reason to go after this woman, although they’re never going to go anywhere with this story ever. Cool?”

God, this was a terrible episode. But it was fun to mock it, so I suppose I win in this scenario.

Art Credit: Wikipedia