a little more juju

Back in December, I turned 42, and although it’s not really a milestone birthday, I went full on navel-gazing. So much of my life over the past two years has been about returning to me, evaluating my values, my habits and practices, and it all kind of solidified into this … thesis? I don’t really know how else to explain it.

To sum it up, the mantra I keep repeating to myself is “I want to live intentionally.”

God, it just sounds so pretentious.

But it really is my focus. When I get back to Nashville at the end of this month (only eight more shifts!), my local shelters and thrift stores are going to have an influx of clothing, shoes, and various other items that I just do. not. need. I could try and sell some of it, but honestly, I’m tired. I would rather just donate and hope that people benefit from my laziness.

I’ve already done a wardrobe overhaul – probably around two years ago, I think? – but my mindset was just to get rid of things that didn’t fit my “aesthetic.” Now? What fabrics are used? How often do I wear/use this particular item? What role does this item play in my life? Do I have any duplicates (of use, not the same thing in a different color)? If my previous wardrobe purge is any indicator, I’m going to have a pretty limited selection of clothing for a while, but I kinda don’t mind. During this travel nursing contract, I’ve learned to live with what I have with me, which … isn’t a lot because I didn’t want to pack a ton. So I know I can function well with less. But I have also felt uninspired with what clothes I brought along (scrubs not included because they serve a very specific purpose). They’re just so … bland. I want texture and color and patterns! I want to look timeless and odd but not in a performative kind of way. I want to feel like me, and what I’ve got at the moment just doesn’t reflect that. Plus a lot of it is fast fashion, something I’m going to actively avoid in the future.

Additionally, I canceled so many of my streaming services because there are just too many of them, kind of like how cable is: too much to watch but not enough to keep my interest so I end up watching the same shit I watch all the time (currently watching my YouTube playlist of my favorite MST3K episodes). And what’s being put out by both cable and streaming services just isn’t cutting it. Stranger Things 5 wasn’t enough to get me to renew my Netflix account; I watched the all of the episodes except the finale, which I’m actually okay with based on what I’ve read, and I have the first two seasons (my favorites) on DVD already. The only reason HBO Max isn’t gone is because I got a really good deal they offered to keep me as a customer, and I pay for YouTube Premium because I probably watch more videos I do there than on any other service (and I don’t want to deal with disruptive ads that drop in the most random of spots). Apple TV has some excellent programming that has me tuning in regularly – Pluribus, Severance, The Morning Show, etc. – and the cost is measly compared to the others. Other than those? That’s all I’ve got now.

And it’s helping with my anxiety. I don’t feel that pressure to watch what everyone else is watching; I can actually look forward to sitting down and experiencing something I’ve chosen (hello, Orphan Black). I can’t say the FOMO is completely gone, but it’s definitely diminished.

Then there’s social media. I left Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, TikTok, Skylight, Flashes, etc. Hell, I even stopped posting on here. I kept Bluesky, Tumblr, Snapchat, and eventually came back to Instagram since I missed the visual element, but I may be trimming that, as well. I want to have an online presence but I’m not sure what it’s going to be just yet. Maybe I’ll be a simple nobody or maybe, as Co-Star has predicted, become micro-famous in a niche market. Who knows?

But I’m making effort now. For too long, I was waiting on something to change around me instead of being that change for myself. Hence the focus on really figuring out what I want to project and to consume. I’m working out more, sitting and thinking before I purchase something on impulse, actually reading (Parable of the Sower by Octavia Butler), writing Paradiso, painting (check my Instagram for updates there!), dating (uggghhhhhh), and just being … intentional with my time and energy. After all, I only have about 40 more years before all of that goes back into the ether, and I want those 40 years to mean something, even if it only means something to me.

These changes are going to take time, but I kind of want them to? I don’t want quick fixes anymore, no matter what my psyche tells me, anyway. I’m trying to make my life a slower experience if for no other reason than to enjoy it. It’s why I’m looking for a job that doesn’t sap me emotionally but is still rewarding and helpful; it’s why I’m taking up film photography and building up my physical media collection; it’s why I’m trying to find a city that matches my energy and goals. All of these things are about intention. And that isn’t a result of chasing instant gratification.

And yeah. I’m okay with that.